The clock is ticking . . .

I am sitting here late at night and I should be sleeping. I will be soon I can tell. But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.

About what?

About life.

And about . . . not life.

You see, to put it quite bluntly, my mom is dieing of cancer. I don't say that to be cold. I have and will continue to grieve. I love my mom. I will miss her. But there are somethings that makes you think when you are brought face to face with the end of life.

There is, of course the whole, "you don't know what you got until it's gone" side of things. We all have experienced that probablly too many times. With toys when we were kids, to friends, to cars, to jewelry, to pets . . . and the list goes on.

And as annoying as that is there is always the, "how is life going to continue and how is it going to be different."

But the two things that plague me the most, and I am not sure I will give this the time I'd like to tonight, are the "what if things were different" and "wow, our time on earth is quite short".

I will start with the latter.

I feel like I have raced to be a grown-up. Now that I've realized that I have attained that status I want to put on the breaks. Live is spinning too fast. Like I am on a big bike and now that I have figure out how to pedal hard I've looked up and found it is going at a break neck speed. I know we all have dealt with this . . . BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT EASIER. I want to be different. I want to always remember to enjoy the ride. Take time for the people around me. To not take anything for granted. The problem is if you remember all that stuff . . . life still goes on and then . . . it ends. No matter how you live life it will eventually come to an end. So I am plagued with am I doing it right and who really knows and what different does it make. I know I am in God's family but I wonder if my perspective is correct at any given time (oh, that could open up a whole new can of worms.)

Then that leads to the retrospective. I have made a series of decisions in my life. We all have. Some good and some . . . well . . . not so good. As I look back on the road I have chosen I wonder were there some ziggs that I could have taken zaggs. And if I did where would I be? How would I be different? Would I be richer, happier, healthier, Godlier . . . and the list goes on. Then, once I ask myself the "what if" . . . what then! It doesn't do any good to play out the results in my mind because, as I look at my history as it happened, there is always a set of unknown variables. And that is, to me, in a word . . . annoying. I have heard it said, and I am sure I have said it before, "perhaps it is better that we don't know the outcome of the "what if". People only say that because there is no way of knowing. Like they say when you have the falling dream and you don't wake up before you hit bottom you will die. Who's going to test that theory out and how can we prove it.

It is only better if we don't know the "what if" because if we did know we either see how bad it would have been or realize how sad our life really is because of where we ended up. It is probably better to play the cards we've been dealt. To be joyous and content with what we have.

Easier said than done!

So if you have any incite . . . do tell. I need to sleep

For what it's worth!

Take it . . .