Where to go from here?

So I just got home from having coffees with a friend of mine. He and I are getting aquainted after literally 10 years of seperation. I will refer to him as J.

J is a mover and a shaker. He is amazing at what he does in the business world. There is no telling where he is going to end up on the months and years to come. But what so impressive about him is not what he does and how much money he is making as much as it is how much fun he is having doing it. He loves his job. It isn't work to him. Confusious says that if you find a job you absolutly love to do you will never work a day of your life. That is what attracks me to J's way of life. He is happy. There are a few other people that I know that love what they do. I have found, that no matter what is that they do for a living, their way of life, out look on life, everything about them is very attractive.

So, as usual, I am force to look at my life. Do people feel the same about my and my job. I have a job that not anyone can do. There is skills and talents that are required. Some of those things come very easily for me and I find it quite difficult to put my finger on where I learned them. Other aspects I dread. I loose sleep over.

It is hard to say that I will do this for the rest of my life. I might. I might not. I feel like every point of my life is a learning experience for the next part. The thing is I have tons of unrelated interests.

I met a man once who was trying to figure out what we wanted to do with his life. He tried different job avenues but wasn't satisfied. Until on day he decided to sit down and write out all the things he loved to do. Money was not an issue. He dreamed big. When we exhausted his list he sat back and read over the results. He tried to figure out what he could do with some or all of the intrest represented on the page. And he did, today he runs a one man mission organization where he takes youth groups on camping trips, canue rides, cross country skiing, etc. He even does retreats where he cooks, teaches, leads games and singing or all of the above. He does make that much money but he is happy and he is good at what he does.

So I follow his lead . . . what do I enjoy doing?
Here goes:
Anything that involves music. Performing, recording, arranging, consulting, writing, touring, etc.
And everything that goes a long with that. Working with equipment such as computers, keyboards, sound systems, midi, samples, and the like.
But I love video editing as well as web site creation and maintaning.
I realy want to learn more of 3d rendering and animation.

I tend to think that I would do well to be my own boss. I get stagnate doing the same thing for too long. But I have a family that I need to support.

I don't know. And I am sorry that I don't have the answers for who ever reads this blog. But I am on a journey and I don't have the faintest idea where I am going end up. This writing is, perhaps, a tool to help me figure that out.

Thanks for listening . . . any insite would be welcome!

Yo

A Time to Say Goodbye

What once was . . . will never be
When dreams just wisp away
The trueist glimpse of reality
Came into focus just today

I saw a light there in the dark
A tiny sliver, faint and strained
I heard the lull of laughter start
Then in a blink 'twas again

Release the hand and turn around
Close your eyes, there is no sound
Take the steps, be on your way
There are no reasons left to stay

A brick, a wall with morter sturdy
Row 'pon row fixed to divide
How easy it is to mend a wall
Then to fix the wrong on either side

Tears have fallen, guilt was hung
Hearts left broken, and songs unsung
The words of why still hold no gain
The souls inside still flinch in pain

Where is hope when dawns the death
When lonesome souls their solace seek
At journey's end with empty nets
And summers fall to winters bleak

How green the grass, how blue the sky
A perfect world in my minds eye
But pushed too far, too fast to fly
One thing is left to say . . . good-bye

Pretending . . .

So I am in the process of heading out to spend Thanksgiving with my cousins. I haven't seen them in several years. As children we would get together 2 or 3 times a year and play, hang out and do all the things that kids that age do. Mostly we would pretend to be older. Nothing amazing. All kids do that. They try and create a world that they are the grown-ups in and then they spend hours trying to emulate what adults do in their world. They brag, have nice cars, ride horses, go out to dinner, have a wife/husband, raise pets, dress children, etc. They even create a crisis or two just to shake things up.

I just got off the phone with my cousin. I am now just old enough to run for president and he is a year older. He and his wife have been married a few years longer that my wife and I have. We both have 4 kids each. He owns his own maintence business and his wife is in school for nursing. I do what I do and my wife is a stay at home mom. We have our pets. We have our hobbies. We go out to dinner. And we even have our own share of crisis from time to time.

But, as we were chatting I got this feeling of . . . pretending. Like when we were kids. We make decisions and do things often times as we were taught watching our parents. We love getting together because our parents modled that too.

We get to do all the things we did so many years ago but we do it for keeps now. There is no time to clean up our toys and come down for dinner. There is no changing the story as we go. There is no reset button. We are now living. Like our parents did . . . We are living but it still seems like we are playing house. We are still figuring things out as we go.

There is still much to ponder about all of that. But one thing revealed itself that has started to bring comfort. (It isn't too comforting living life not knowing what you are doing.) If we are feeling this now that means that our parents must have felt it too. And perhaps they still do feel it. Everyone acts like they know what they are doing. But perhaps everyone feels like they are just as clueless as we are. We are all wanderers together.

What's my point? There isn't one yet. I guess it will be like watching the movie "Sixth Sense". It will all make sense in the end. And when we look back on it all we will see how it all fits together.

In the mean time, I am learning to be content pretending . . . sort of. Meaning, living life as I go. Seeking guidence from my God, friends and family. Watching folks "pretend" right along with me. It is nice to know I am in good company

Take it . . .

So, here I am typing out a blog.

Never thought I would . . .

But here I am . . .

And Why?

Honestly, I am not sure. I do enjoy typing out thoughts. Not sure why anyone would read them. Or who would have the time. But here I am.

Stimulating creativity?

Following a fad?

Trying to find myself?

Part of a pre-mid-life crisus?

Who knows. But here we are.

So for what it's worth.

Hence the name of my Blog page.

I type it. You can take it "OrLeaveIt".

May sound a bit harsh . . . but it is the truth.

Thanks and that's it for today!
JF